Rough Hands
by beautifulxliex
Summary: A/H slightly OOC. After a bad break up, Jasper returns to the apartment he once shared with Bella for one last night. Rated M for language and self inflicted harm.


**A/N: This story contains a bit of harsh language, and some touchy themes. If you have a problem with self inflicted harm, do not read this story. Other than that, read and enjoy. This is my first attempt at fanfiction, although I have written many short stories and beginnings for books. Let me know how I did, if you would [:  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story; they belong to Stephenie Meyer. The song lyrics belong to Alexisonfire, and are from the song Rough Hands.**

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_Was I left behind?_

_Someone tell me, tell me I survived._

_And don't look so surprised_

_That I'm home, but just for tonight._

Jasper pulled out the key to the apartment he'd once shared with her. It hadn't been used in at least a week or so, and for good reason. He'd moved out when they split; he couldn't take the memories that lingered everywhere in that apartment. She'd stayed, apparently able to deal with the memories. After all, she was the one who ended it, not him.

Jasper turned the key slowly, afraid of what he would find on the other side. He hadn't told her he was coming. The water and power in his own apartment had been cut off; he'd lost his job a few weeks prior to their split. Now that his savings had run out, he didn't have the money to keep up the single room apartment he'd rented for himself. He opened the door slowly, and she was nowhere to be seen. He could hear a shower running, and figured that was where she was.

His eyes traced every inch of the apartment; the pictures of them had been taken down, but other than that it was the same as always. He stopped himself from lingering on that; he couldn't begin to think of this place as home again. He rubbed his calloused hands together, staying near the door. He didn't think he could force his feet to move him through the apartment anyway.

His eyes shot to the hall as he heard a door open, then another close. She'd gone to the bedroom. Their bedroom. Only it wasn't theirs anymore; now it was only hers. He wondered if she'd moved all of the things he'd forgotten to grab when he was packing during their last fight. It had been terrible, both of them yelling at the top of their lungs while he packed. She'd told him to leave, and as angry as he'd been, his love for her made him respect her wishes.

"_I can't do this anymore, Jasper. I just can't."_

"_What do you mean, 'you can't do this anymore'?! Don't you think you should have thought about that, oh I don't know, seven months ago? Before we moved in together?!"_

"_Jasper, please understand. I just…I don't love you anymore. I would love to still be friends, but I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend anymore."_

_He paused, her words sinking in. "Pretending? How long have you been fucking pretending with me? You've found someone else, haven't you? You stupid fucking whore. I hope you're happy with whoever he is!"_

_He watched as her face twisted with anger. He always compensated for hurt with anger; even she knew that. He also knew that he'd hit a nerve, but with how his emotions were working he could care less about that. "Get the fuck out." She spoke quietly, her words venomous._

_He stood, headed back to their bedroom at a quick pace. She stayed in the living room, that is, until she heard something break. She hurried back, seeing their room in a mess of clothes and broken glass._

"_What the fuck are you doing?!"_

_He held up a picture of the two of them, from a year and a half ago. They'd gone on vacation to Ireland; things had been going well for him at the time, which allowed them such an expensive trip. "Were you pretending then?! Tell me, were you?!" He threw the picture against the wall, the glass shattering and the wooden frame splintering._

_Angry tears streamed from her eyes as she shook her head. "Just get the fuck out, Jasper! Just get out and let me be!"_

_He was holding another picture now, one of the two of them in college. "What about here? I bet you were fucking every hot guy on campus behind my fucking back!" He threw this picture as well, the shattered pieces falling to the floor to join the pile of broken class and mangled wood._

_Her eyes narrowed, and she rushed at him. She landed a square hit to his jaw, causing his neck to turn at a painful angle. "GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW!"_

_He'd already packed two bags full of his things, and he grabbed them before heading for the door. "Oh, I'm going. Have a nice life, bitch." He spoke quietly then, standing in the doorway. He exited quickly, and he didn't calm down and realize what had just happened until he was sitting in his car, wondering where to go._

Jasper hadn't seen her since that night, nor spoken to her. He hoped her anger had cooled, since he intended on sleeping on the couch there until he could find a way to pay his bills. He heard the bedroom door open again, and his stomach twisted into knots. She entered the living room, and he was taken aback. He'd forgotten just how beautiful she really was; he'd only had pictures on his phone to remind him and that was nothing like seeing her in the flesh. Her eyes fell to him after a moment and widened in surprise.

"Jasper? What are you doing here?" She kept her distance, her expression guarded.

"I need a place to stay for a while, and this apartment is in both of our names. I'll sleep on the couch." He spoke quietly, his gaze aimed at everything that wasn't her.

She looked sympathetic; she knew what the problem was, although he'd never admit it to her. "Oh Jasper, you know you can stay here as long as you need to." She sounded sincere, and this caused him to look up at her hopefully. He made eye contact, and all he found there was sympathy. He'd been hoping for something else; something to give him hope.

"I don't want to be a burden, Bella." His eyes were now on the ground; he couldn't face her at that moment.

"Jasper, look at me." She stepped closer to him, but still not close enough to make him think anything of it. "Look at me."

He looked up, and she could tell that he hadn't been sleeping. Underneath his eyes was a dark purple, and his eyes were red around them as if he'd rubbed them to the point of being raw. _I did this to him._ Her eyes nearly filled with tears at the thought; the man she'd been with since high school wasn't there anymore. She'd killed that man with her words the week prior. "You won't be a burden to me. Like I said, you can stay here as long as you need to." It hadn't taken her long to regain her composure.

Jasper nodded, hesitating before he stepped closer to her. He touched her cheek with his hand, but she pulled away almost immediately. "Don't Jasper; you know I hate when you do that. Your hands are just so…rough."

_With rough hands and sore eyes_

_So don't speak, I am tired_

_Let's just live through this lie._

Jasper shook his head, moving towards the couch. He sat down on it, his head falling into his hands. "I can't do this, Bella. I can't take it. I love you, and I can't stand just letting you go."

Bella sighed. "Jasper…I already told you how I feel. Let's not get into another argument like that."

Jasper looked away from her, closing his eyes tightly. "I thought maybe you would feel different now."

Bella stepped forward, but stopped herself from putting her hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Jasper. I never intended for it to be like this."

Jasper sighed heavily. "I'll only be staying for tonight. I'll find somewhere else after that and you can go back to living your new life without me."

"You know you don't have to do that." She was looking at him with tears in her eyes; she'd done this, to a man she loved once upon a time.

"I do have to do that, Bella. I can't be here with you without being _with_ you. It will kill me." He sighed, running a hand through his curls.

Bella moved to sit next to him on the couch. "Please, just tell me you're going to be okay. I can't live knowing that I've made you like this for the rest of your life."

"I can't honestly say that to you, Bella. I don't know if I'll be okay or not." He looked at her as he spoke, his eyes vacant.

Tears leaked from her eyes; his eyes had never been empty. She'd seen him hurt, but he'd always had something there. The lack of emotion in his eyes told Bella that he wouldn't be okay. Not now, not ever. Her shoulders hunched with the effort it took to keep herself from sobbing. She looked down at her hands, which were folded in her lap.

Jasper looked away from her; he knew he couldn't comfort her anymore. He sighed, looking at his watch. "You should get some sleep, Bella. I'm sure you're tired." She just nodded, casting one last tear filled glance at him before walking back to her bedroom. She closed and locked the door, and soon Jasper heard music coming from back there. He knew what she was doing; she was covering her sobs with music. He couldn't find it in himself to care very much, about her or anything else for that matter. He lay back on the couch, sighing as he closed his eyes. He rubbed his hands over his face, hating their calloused roughness. She hated how rough they were; therefore, he did as well. He didn't even hope for sleep.

When Bella woke the next morning, eyes sore and puffy, Jasper was nowhere to be found. All she found was a note on her coffee table, and more tears fell from her eyes as she read it.

_Watch the morning news._

_I love you, baby, but I won't live without you._

_I can't._

_Just know that I've always loved you, and I always will._

_Jasper_

Her hands trembled as she turned on the television, which was already on the news channel. She watched as they went through the weather report, tears now flowing more steadily from her eyes.

"In other news, 25 year old Jasper Whitlock jumped from the Brooklyn Bridge at approximately 5am."

The reporter went on with the story, but Bella didn't hear a word. Her hands clutched the paper he'd written on, sobs racking her body. She'd done this to him, and she would never forgive herself for that.


End file.
